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Lost Wanderer

Cause we are all trying to find ourselves..

Grandma.

I remember how she smiled at me every time she saw. I remember her dark brown hair. I remember the love in her eyes for me. I remember her dressing to always be perfect. I remember how she used to kiss me on my cheek every time we met.

She was my maternal grandmother. I sometimes wish she was still around today. It’s been seven years since she’s left us. But, some how I haven’t coped with it. People think I don’t miss her. But deep down I know how much I miss her.

She had such perfect hair, such perfect eyes and such a perfect smile. Anybody would fall in love with her. I did love her. I love her like I can never love anyone. She’s loved me more than anyone ever has.

I remember how every time mom didn’t listen to me I used to call her and tell her about it and she used to scold mom. I remember how every time mom complained to her about me she covered up for me.

I believe if she was around my life would’ve been way better, I on a personal level would have been a completely different individual and things would’ve been a lot less complicated.

Someone told me a couple of days back that to leave history behind isn’t really about making it big. Sometimes it’s about leaving a mark in the hearts of the people who love you. This was her. She did leave a mark in the hearts of a lot of people. I sometimes wish I got more years with her to know her more and get her hugs.

Today being mother’s day. I miss her a lot and wrote this for her. I love her the most and always will love her the most.

Scars?

“The wrong decisions we make often leave scars behind..”

Often, really often. We make decisions. Decisions that turn out to hurt us.
Well, I’d not say scars are completely about internal pain, they are sometimes about the external ones too. Don’t you think so?

Come on think about it. You get angry about stuff and then you choose to hurt yourself sometimes. Leaving scars externally!

We all get scarred. We need to learn to accept the reasons we got scarred and then let it fade away.

We need to be scarred to learn so much, so much about life, about living, about the world.

Well. Have I ever been scarred? Yes! I have. I have been scarred by a special someone once. When I again went down that path, I remembered about the pain I felt the previous time and moved away from it. Because, because of the pain I felt the first time.

For me, I don’t care about what who thinks about me because of my decisions. My decisions are solely based on whatever. On whatever I’ve gone through in my life. Is it wrong? Is it wrong to let the past influence your decisions now? Nahh. It’s not. Cause at the end all that matters is what you’ve done. Not what the other person thinks you’ve done.

Memories.

“Then we look at that one photo and a million memories come alive to wreck a heart. ”

Thing about memories. They don’t care about you until once you see something related to them.
I’d say it’s something like a bullet. It’s held inside until you pull the trigger. And they hurt as much as a bullet. (Maybe more in some situations)
We are enjoying are everyday life and at one moment. Just that one moment, you see a picture of the past or maybe a happy screenshot, that’s it. You’re into the past. Into that painful past. Wondering just, just if you hadn’t done the wrong things. But, that’s how memories work. Regardless of how you feel.
Well, we should see the positive side of memories. Not think about the sad and heart broken ones. Look at the happy memories. That’s how we own our life story. Having control over what we think and what we feel and what we want to do.
Sometimes the thing about all this puts me in thoughts of why we think of the negative and sad memories? Think about the happy and nice moments? It’s all a game of the mind. Making us think. Making us feel just the way it wants to. We’re actually helpless until we are able to gain control over it.

Well, this maybe a more philosophical kind of post. But, that’s exactly how I feel at this moment.  So just go with it.

Random post 1..

So here I am nearly a month after my last blog post. Well, lets say I had a writers block. (Not a writer exactly yet.) I have had no idea what to write about. All throughout my exams I was like, let the holidays start and I shall concentrate on my blog. Yes, I did concentrate. I’ve made it visually more appealing, but on the writing part, there’s not been many new posts.
My last month’s been exciting, I have ended up in Delhi at the moment. I had been to Shimla for a small trip as well. The Delhi heat is killing me. The weather in Shimla was just perfect to my liking though. But, as I’ve said earlier, “The life we love can never be ours.” Kept that in mind and moved on.
I’m enjoying my time with my cousin’s and my family members whom I haven’t met in 6 whole years.
Well, being with family is good. But the fact that I’m the youngest in my home considering the fact that my blood brother and sister are done with college and brothers working and sister has her job secured, the family asks me what I want to do with my life?
Now that is what I hate about being here. Just that moment when someone asks me, “What do you plan to do with your life? Considering the fact your brother and sister are nearly set and have achieved whatever they wanted to.”
Yes, that puts me in thoughts. I’ve passed my first PU at the moment. I’m proud of myself. I look to pass second PU with good marks at the moment. I don’t want to be an engineer neither a doctor. I really have no idea what I want to do. I’ve been clueless the last couple of months. I’ve dropped the engineering course at college. I’m continuing with science. Basically, let’s say my life is sort of messed up.
I’m still trying to find myself by wondering around.
Then these questions put me in the thought that I’m going to be eighteen this year. What kind of an adult am I going to turn out to be? Am I going to be a wonderer all my life? Actually it’s not a bad idea. I mean the fact that you’re finding yourself all your life and on the death bed minutes before you take your last breath, you realise that you’ve found yourself. How much better could life get than that?

Well, that’s it for now. Maybe this post didn’t make much sense. But writing helps me feel better. And that’s why I wrote this. Thanks for the read though.

Perdio Vagabundo

Perio Vagabundo – Lost Wanderer

The one thing I realise at 2.03 a.m at the night is that when people say that, “We come into the world and go from the world alone.” Is so true. And that some of them even say that we live alone is so true. People say they’d always be there for us. But what about the 2.00 a.m panic attacks and anxiety? Who’s there for us at this unearthly hour? No one. Where are the friends who want to be good to you at all the times when they want things from you and are freaking rude when you need them. No one on this planet is worthy of the word trust. It’s just a word that exists in the freaking English dictionary but it’s just an imaginary situation in real life. No one can be trusted. They at some time or another tell things out to someone. And then that someone to another. That cycle keeps going on. Love is shit. You love someone for a God damn year, that person doesn’t give a second thought while breaking up. Love a person for a freaking month and break up, they make it like it’s a lifetime since you’ve been in a relationship. Believe, everyone wants the other person to believe what they say. But, when the other person says something you don’t want to believe them. What’s the point of such a world? Why do we even exist? Does it make any sense to humanity? The thing I said earlier is so true. We’re all so freaking alone all through out our lives. Our closest act the weirdest with us after a while and our hated ones are always there as competition for us. The earlier we realise this, the better our damn life is  going to be for us. Bloody live every moment and make it the best alone. Not with anyone by your side. They’ll go at some point or another. Nothing in this world is permanent. We all got to be lost wanderers. That’s it. I am a lost wanderer. Trying to find myself. It takes us our whole lifetime to. But, we never do.

Realisations?

Future future future.. That’s all parents talk about when we’re around 17years old.
Yeah it’s completely justified why they talk about it. Come around a year later  we’d be writing our board exams and then we have to choose the stream that would suit our career after degree. So yeah, it’s right to think about it now. 5 years down the line most of us have to start earning. And if we have no idea or plan about whatever we’re going to do then how would we choose the right field? 17 years isn’t too late to sit and think of it. Yes, after tenth would’ve been the right time because some of us take science and realise it’s not going to help us. So it’s just about making the right decisions at the right time. I may have told in an earlier post that future talks irritate me, but now I’ve realised why they do it. It’s for our bloody good.
It’s just a part of reaching the end of teenage, because next step is adulthood. And we need to be the best adults with our future well backed up. 

That’s it for now. I know though it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but well exams be the witches in the last couple of weeks because of which my phone wasn’t with me. There would be a lot more posts coming up soon. Until then take care..

Day 1 of 366

“Here come another new year and the hopes to do a number of things ”

Well, we all want to be something more than what we’ve been the last year, don’t we? But, only bad experiences do that. And we do not want bad stuff to happen we want life to be happy.
Life is a little unpredictable thing. We can never expect it to be happy. It’s always ready to get bad anytime. We as humans have to be prepared for that. One of the things I want to do this year is grow as an individual and be ready for the bad moments whenever they come my way so I don’t react in a way I reacted to them the previous year.
Well, another thing I want to do this year is grow as a writer and write better stuff.
I’ve lost a lot of people in the year that went by and I got a lot of then too. I lost many at the start of the year and got back a few at the end. The last one month, that is the whole of December is a month to remember for me. This year I’d make sure that I’ll not let the loved ones leave me and I’ll eliminate the bad ones. To my luck, mostly all the people I know are just amazing. And they wouldn’t leave me for who I am and wouldn’t ever judge me.
So, to conclude the post I’d like to thank all of you for your love, support and constant encouragement. You all have played an important role in the last year and would want you to play the same role this year and all the years to come. Lastly, all you readers and fellow bloggers with whom I’ve connected. All of you are amazing people. Keep writing guys.
Happy new year everyone. Hope we all have a wonderful year.

Regrets! Really worth it..

“The things which we regret later on are things we need to take a lesson from.”

Over the course of this year I’ve had a number of regrets. The biggest regret is not understanding people. I guess it was because I wanted to be understood at those points of time.
I’ve called then all sorts of things and have had bad arguments. Now when I look back to it, I feel bad. I don’t want to go into the next year with the guilt of these regrets.
Since my winter break is going on, I’ve come across screenshots of my old messages with people and read through a couple of old messages. Until last night I was like I’m done trying to make things fine between me and those people and all of a sudden I’m like no I need to make it fine and I sent out long messages to those people. Couple of them have come back to normal terms and a couple are yet to read my messages.
There are even decisions this year I’m not going to ever regret and there are people who’ve got so close to me over this year that I wouldn’t want them to ever leave my side. I’ve realised the ones who really matter and I’ve realised that in order to not have regrets with friends, I need to be more understanding towards them.
A great year to realise a number of things and change for the good of me.

My Type of Perfect..

“She loved him and he loved her, but it wasn’t that simple.”

I’ve seen a lot of relationships. Like really a lot. My best friends, my friends and many more.
Relationships off late haven’t really excited me. I mean if you find the one most compatible with you, you should go for it.
A perfect relationship according to me is where the girl and the guy are pretty mature and are aware of the fact that either this they are going to last forever or they are going to have to break apart some day.
A kind of phase of our life where we don’t fight with the other half of us. Understand them, make them smile, make them laugh and know everything about them. Take the mood swings and comfort them. Love is a really special thing, and if we fall in it with the right person, we’re sure to have the best time of our life. A time when we don’t keep celebrating weeks and months of the story but the time when we concentrate on years. In the long run years are going to count more. Love where the other person listens to whatever you want to say and tell you whatever they want to and there is no lies between the two of you.
Well the quote at the start, the reason I put that is because, love shouldn’t be simple. Love should be deep, it’s got to be different and special.
I hope my loves believes in the same and never misunderstands me and holds my hand and stays as the constant one in my life.

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