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Lost Wanderer

Cause we are all trying to find ourselves..

A letter to the teacher who never gave up on me..

Ma’am, 

I remember how on my first day in the new school you were there welcoming me with that broad smile on your face. I felt like a misfit in the school. But, you were there for me to encourage me and make me comfortable there. You taught me for 3 years. From Physics to Chemistry and even Biology. You’ve taught me all of the sciences. 

I remember when in 8th grade when the PTM had come and I was pretty scared about what you’d tell my father about me and when all the PTM thing was done I asked you how come you only told good things about me and you smiled and replied, “I am here to take care of the bad parts. Let your father know the good things you do in school.” 

I remember in 9th grade you separated me from the group of friends I had made the previous year and when I had asked you why you did that, you said that you wanted me to get to know more people in school other than the kids in that class. 
In 9th grade when I had that one girl I had something for, I remember you telling me to move away from whatever the distractions are and when I asked what you meant by that, you said that my innocence got me away from the things you wanted to tell me. 

In 10th grade, when the boards were nearing and I came up to you all scared about it and the pep talk you gave me to calm down. You said, “I believe in your potential and I know you can do it.” When I had given up on myself you saying that motivated me to do something to make someone proud. I worked hard and I finished 10th with good marks. 

I remember how in those three years in school whenever dad came for a meeting you would always sit with him and tell him everything I did in school. 

When I left school and when we used to have our occasional WhatsApp conversations and you used to ask how my studies were going on and I would say I am busy with studies, you’d laugh and question how studies and I fit in the same equation. 

I remember the last conversation I had with you, where you asked me how my exams went and I said that they went well. Your reply was that don’t worry, you did your best. I am sure you will make it in life. 

I wish today you were here, six months after that conversation to see me doing what I wanted to do and see me happy. Thanks a lot for never giving up on me. It’s impossible for me to not remember you when someone asks me about my best memory in my school days or my favourite teacher. Wherever you are I am sure you’re in peace and I hope I am making you proud. 

Today being teachers day, this is a write up I dedicate to you ma’am. 

Yours, 

The Student you never gave up on. 

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A Writing About Life 2..

“Ten years from now, make sure you say that this is the life I’ve wanted to live. Not the life I’ve wanted to settle for.” 

What age are we now? Eighteen. Yes, that’s right. We graduate from high school and now we step into college. 

The next three to five years of all our lives are going to be so crucial, aren’t they? We got to take up the course which is going to take us to that life which we want to live. I know, we need to live in the moment. But maybe, just maybe sometimes we need to think about the tomorrow and decide what we want to do. 

Life, as I have always told is funny. You never know what tomorrow has in store for you. But what is wrong in being prepared for it? 

Every decision we make has its consequences. Consequences that we got to face. These consequences can be bad or they can be good. Now in this case, the consequence of making the wrong decision could be you ending up saying a couple of years later that, I settled for this life and if you make the right decision, you would end up saying this is the life I wanted. 

To conclude, I would say to all of you who are going to go down those paths that your parents want you to do, please be a rebel. Argue with them. Tell them why you want to do what you what to do. Explain to them. I’ve done it. It isn’t all that tough. 

All the best to all of you who will be going to college in a couple of days/months. May these decisions be the ones that you wanted. 

Life. A really funny thing. 

​Don’t you think life is funny? 

There are a few people who walk into our lives promising us big things all along. Saying that they would never leave our hands and would always be by our side. Eventually they leave us. 

Then there are those people. Who walk in. Don’t promise anything but are always there when we need them and are the ones who are always holding onto us. 

The funny part here is. The people we crave for take us for granted and the ones we take for granted are actually the ones who we should crave to have as a part of our lives. 

We go to bed feeling so low and lonely. But when we wake up we’re so happy. It’s like we went through something in those few hours of sleep that transformed our look at life completely. 

It’s weird how we feel happy during the day and sad during the night. Why is sad related to darkness and happiness related to light? Why can it not be the other way round? Or why can’t both of it be related to happiness? 

Why do we humans overthink about things that aren’t worth our time but don’t give a thought to those things which are worth being thought about? 

Isn’t it funny how the human brain works. It is scary sometimes too. 

It’s really hard to understand all this. I wish there was someone who could actually give answers to these questions. 

But the problem is that we are talking about life. There is no one who has understood it that well to answer all this. My only reason to wake up each morning now is to understand a little more about this thing called “LIFE” each day. 

Someone once asked me a question, 

“There are 2 wolves, 1 with happiness and love and another with sadness and despair. Which one would you feed more?” 

I told love and happiness. 

So the person said, 

“That is how life works. You need to feed your heart and mind more of happiness and love. That is the only way you would stay happy all the time and not worry about anything.” 

These are a few words that changed my life. It changed my life in a number of ways over the past month and a half. Whenever I am in a situation where I don’t know what to do, this question crosses my mind and I give it a thought and then I don’t bother about whatever is happening to me. 

Life is an ocean of problems with which we need to deal with in our everyday lives. The only way I’ve understood to live it is by staying afloat and letting all the problems flow. Now you would ask me how would that happen? You know all of us humans have been gifted with this thing called a smile. The smile is a really really powerful thing. We all should not forget what it is. We should smile more often and not worry about whatever is happening. 

There really is no point in saying. “Oh! I give up on life.” Life may be really tough. But believe me. At the end of the dark tunnel that you are in, there is a lot of light. Also inside the dark tunnel there are a lot of people who are willing to help you get to the end of it by holding your hand. Hold on to their hands tight. 

At the end of the day. The only thing that is going to be worth it is all the happy moments we had in our short lives and not the sad moments. 

My Typewriter Series 2..

Hello fellow bloggers, I know it has been a while since I posted something new. I’ve just been too busy with a lot of other things. 

So today, I’m going to post a few more of my typewriter series poems. I hope you enjoy reading them. 

If you likes this, follow my Instagram account for more of the Typewriter Series : lost.wanderer_  

Making It Count…

The next few days are going to be the best of your life. Embrace the fact that they will never come back and live them in the moment. Leave a mark behind. Make the memories count a few years down the line. 

Well, we are all at a stage now where in we our going to finish our 12th grade and we’re going to open up to a new world all together. Until now, we had been in a closed shell atmosphere where we didn’t really know much about what is ahead of us. 

We are all getting struck with this sudden realisation that the next few days are our last in the place we are right now. But, why aren’t we taking it in a positive manner and enjoying it? 

Think it over. Would you want to cry now and count the days until the end or would you rather enjoy the next few days and would feel happy that you made infinite memories. 

I would choose the later. We need to accept the fact that this is it, our time with this group of friends at this place is over. The moment you do, that is when you’re going to love the next few days of it. That is when your life will embark on a new journey, from where on only the memories are going to count. 
PS : Thanks to that someone who gave me the idea to write about this. 

What do I title this vid? 

See many times in life you sit down and wish and pray and just want something bad, you dream of ways in which something could happen, cook it up, weave it, cream it , and a little sugar and maybe a little spice and then you’ve finally done it. Made a completely beautiful story in your mind , in which your probably the Hero, saving a maiden in distress, or a school raided by terrorists or maybe meeting your crush at a wedding where you end up becoming Boyfriend and Girlfriend or maybe getting into gang wars with assholes cause you love your girl and would do anything for her and well you get the gist.

I was no different ,but in my defense I was young and stupid (this was over 3 years ago and I’m 16 now so I ain’t lying). So back to what I think I was getting at, I too was young and foolish and had many many of those stories cooked up. And well they’re a little or more like those above summarizing sentences. So let me skip through all those heroics and fights and drama (all imaginary) and well tell you about said crush.

For the offside chance that she might read this someday I will keep her name a secret and for the offside chance that you are actually reading this even after the initial few paragraphs , let’s call her Akhila (my name is Akhil and I can’t really think of a name).

So as the story of mine went, “Akhila”, was a teacher’s daughter. Very attractive, we’re in the same class,very studious, a Mallu (just like me),  a Hindu (just like me) , a traditionalist, an artist, and so much more.And so to me she was the best girl I could dream of put in physical form. To my naive mind she was a Goddess requiring worship, with no words of mine going against her, no actions of mine disgracing her,nothing of me bothering her ,or at least to my mind I was that. But, Unfortunately or Fortunately, when I told my best friend at the time he came to me the very next day to tell me he liked her too, and not in the way that should please me. So then we ,children as we were, fought and raged and screamed and cursed and well did all those heroic deeds seeking that blessed maiden. Sadly as it goes even with all the brave and courageous things we could do, neither of us had the balls to actually tell her.  Maybe this was when I actually started thinking about what I was doing.Thoughts like Do I love her? Really? How so? I don’t know her, why should I? Started creeping into mind. And so after I think about a week of “war” with my best friend, I went over and told him that he could have her, that I did not in fact like her and that I was over her (a bit contradictory I know). And after that I believe in a week or so he told her, or maybe not, I am not really sure. And that was how I lost a perfectly good best friend.

Easy as it was to say that I was over her, in truth it was a bit too different, I would picture in my hideous mind stories of betrayals and friendships and heroics and all things that would in finality get me the girl.One of them as I mentioned earlier was The Wedding.

Like said earlier, she was a Mallu and a Hindu , and if your from Bangalore you should already know that all Mallus just gel together no matter what. Its another unspoken fact that almost all Hindu Mallus WILL at least once a year visit the Ayyappan  temple near Jallahalli cross. So as it happens I had seen “Akhila” more times than one in that temple, usually during Onam or Vishu (both very prestigious festivals for us Mallus). But sadly as it happens she never did see me there,  we never met there although I’d seen her half a dozen times near those temple shrines.

But well my mind being the perfectionist it was, I’d dreamt up perfectly logical story where we’d meet up in a wedding who’d happened to invite our families too. I mean come on! Bangalore is a small city, obviously there had to be ONE couple who’d add us into their 200+ invitee list. I’d thought that I would see her on top with the Bride and Bridegroom (with her parents of course). Posing for camera and then when she’d see me she’d smile for me and only me amidst the crowd. Of how we’d speak together (alone) .And I made up my mind then that if that day came when I’d meet her in one of these wedding’s I would NOT give up the chance and would let her know what I felt about her.

But as it happens Bangalore really isn’t a small city, not once did I ever meet her in one of those outlandish wedding’s . I would never get any pretense to speak to her in school either and slowly I started to loose that thing I used to think was unending Love for her, not to say I stopped looking for her in wedding’s. Always thought it could happen someday that I’d actually meet her somewhere, talk to her sometime, know her somewhat.

But alas the years passed by, my “love” faded, my school years were almost over, I’d moved on, got an ex-“crush”,later another crush- turned girlfriend- turned ex, the days kept rolling by , friends kept going by, all was coming to an end for my school life and  sadly I wasn’t that sad about it at all. I really wanted to get out of school, not that I din’t love it, but I simple get bored too fast as the 1st few lines from this paragraph should tell you. And so when our final year at school was almost done I was pretty happy. At around this time my class teacher asked me if I could do the Farewell speech. And I was elated to know that ,my teacher would trust me with this thing. I was never the popular kid, no one really knew me, no teacher really saw me as the person to do things, I was NOT the person people saw on stage often.

And so as fortune would have it I did do well on stage and as fate would have it “Akhila” was there with me also as a speaker. And at the end of that farewell I was content with praise and also with the fact that it was a fitting end to school. And so school ended and on the last day before we’d ever have to come to school again “Akhila” said to me , in maybe the first real conversation we’d ever had “You’re a good speaker” with that smile the younger me had loved and I’d replied ” You aren’t that bad either” and I smiled too. She was obviously crying then because of the whole last day at school thing, and then of course girls cry a lot, so that was the last I would see of her. It was very well confirmed by my mind that she wasn’t the one for me, but there is that bit whose still curious about that girl who meant so much to my younger self. That girl who I’d never known had played such a part in my life, although she’d never know it. The girl who I should’ve seen up on one of those weddings, who I saw in so many times on stage, who I saw almost periodically at the temple. That girl who I’d never see again……..

But as fate would have it I did see her again. About 9-10 months after the last time, she was on the podium with the Bride and Bridegroom (with her parents of course), posing for camera, with that smile that had the younger me wild, and then she saw me just for a flicker of a heartbeat, but if she recognized me she  made no show of it and she walked away. And I was disappointed as I had the right to be. I could not believe she’d made it though,Finally I though FINALLY the dream had come true. Well half true at least. Then it was my turn to meet the couple (with my parents yes) and then I saw her with her parents and all down the corner. I looked over and she saw me and I saw her. And I smiled and she smiled and I walked over, half jogging-half paced walking, after the photo shoot and went on the pretext of speaking to my teacher, I spoke of school and college. I inquired about events and news, then while saying goodbye to them I last looked at her, made sure I made eye contact for a while longer, maybe to keep that moment alive for longer, I smiled and she smiled. I waved my hand for goodbye and she did too. But she was not cold as I expected, not a stranger she seemed to be almost as glad as me to see me as I was to see her and now I had a fitting final ending to a unfit-tingly sorry story.

I do not love her, nor do I have a crush on her.I have no feelings of attraction toward her or even think off her. But somewhere in me there is a dramatist , somewhere in me there is a hopeful person, somewhere in me there is a dreamer, a younger me, a happier me, a me who’s thought a tale of too many times and kinda lived it too.

And so I no longer search for her in weddings.

THE END

Thoughts.. 

“​The thoughts are always going to come. But the day you’re able to harness them, that is when you’ll be called the greatest human being.”

What is the natural human tendency? Well, I’d say it is to get carried away with whatever the mind thinks is right. 

We as humans love a lot. It’s like if someone is being really sweet to us at this instant we think we love them. The next second someone else gets really close to us, we think we love them. Then the next moment we again talk to the first person and we’re like no we like them.  What we don’t realise is we infatuate. We get carried away with the thought so much that we end up breaking our heart. We make a scene out of it and then at the end when we sit and think about all of it, we realise we screwed up a really valuable friendship. 

In my opinion the greatest human being is the one who knows how to harness his thoughts. Not to get carried away and make decisions. I feel harnessing of thoughts is something like being clear of what we want. Being able to differentiate between what the mind wants and what the heart wants and making a wise choice. 

We humans usually go with what the mind wants. Our mind is so greedy that it is never happy with one. It needs more love. It needs so much that you end up being broken while fulfilling it’s needs. And that is the kind of thing we need to take control of. 

We are all wild lovers. But wild lovers doesn’t mean to love again and again and to be in a pathetic state that we end up doing the wrong things. At times, we plan on physically hurting ourselves. The reason being fulfilling whatever our mind wants. Now people that is something wrong. Its like we’re hurt while fulfilling what the mind wants and then the mind makes us hurt ourselves physically. 

The heart makes better decisions. At any given point of time listen to it and take control of situations. 

Future. 

“How’s life been treating you?” She asked.

He replied, “Like a bitch.”

That’s been the reply he’s been probably giving to everyone who asks him that. Somewhere between all the pressure at home, pressure at college, people not understanding him, future weighting too heavily upon him and him not getting to do what he loves, he lost himself.

Sam kept his phone aside switched off the Wi-Fi on it and tried sleeping. Just then he got this weird vibe about his future. About all the expectations people had from him. About how his parents would feel if he didn’t do well.

A boy of class 12 not getting to do what he wants. People say childhood is the time when we got to enjoy our lives. But how do we? During our childhood we’re put up with the challenges of securing our future.

Sam woke up when he started getting those thoughts and picked his phone up again. He switched on the Wi-Fi and started browsing courses for his future.

I’d say somewhere our elders are a bit responsible for this. Maybe because they are from a time where in society was a big thing. We people now stay in a world where society has no meaning. Either we do good or bad, there are still going to be people taking about us. Elders should probably leave the child on his/her own. So he can figure his life out and do what he wants. Another thing is parents force children to do what they want them to, not what the child would love to do instead. They have got to understand this. It’s the child who would have to live with that choice for the rest of his life. Regret it every step of the way. We as children also need to speak out to our parents, cause a scolding now is better than a lifetime full of regrets. 

Right conversations..

“Sometimes, no matter what’s going on in our lives, we need someone we can share it with to feel better.” 

So the last couple of month have been really rough for me. Not just in one but in many aspects. And for a long time I kept a lot of things to myself. Until after a really long time I planned to open up to someone. Believe me. After a decent period of time I felt so good opening up to someone. Not being judged about whatever I said. Taking talks on what I’m supposed to do and actually doing all of it. 

So there are two kinds of people. One whom you tell a bit of what’s going on and leave it. The other whom you tell everything to and look up to for giving you some tips on what to do. 

I got the second type in the last week and a half. I feel so happy after like telling the person everything and doing as the person said. I feel a different me. 

Maybe we don’t always need love to feel good. Maybe we just need a good conversation with the right person to feel good. 

Thank you person. You did me a huge favour by being there for me. Listening to everything I said and asking me how I’m doing. This world needs more of you. You’re the best. Okay? Never think otherwise. 

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